The 5 Keys to Interpersonal Success

In survey after survey, interpersonal communication skills are consistently ranked at or near the top of a list of skills necessary for career success. People who possess these skills enjoy a richer personal life, better relationships at work and more productive interactions with those around them. Teams with members who excel at these skills are more productive and more cohesive. No one is born with these *people skills.* They are the result of attention and practice. Here are five guaranteed ways to hone your people skills.

1. Recognize differences in people and be ready to adapt.
Because we think of ourselves at operating within a norm, we tend to see people who act and communicate differently from us as deviating from the norm. As a result, we believe that one communication style (ours) should fit all. Overcome this limiting mindset by recognizing differences in preferences and motivations among people.

If it's all about communicating you say, why do we need all the distinctions? You don't use a rolling pin to chop vegetables and you don't use a chef's knife to roll out bread dough, even though it's all cooking. You have to choose the right tool for the right job.

For example, a fundamental principle of adult learning theory is that we have different preferences for acquiring knowledge. Depending on those preferences, we'll be more effective in communicating our message when we learn whether to emphasize visual, verbal or tactile approaches.

People also have different motivations. Anne may be motivated by the promise of a salary increase while David strives for peer recognition. Discovering and applying the right motivation will help you get the cooperation you need from others.

2. Learn to listen well.
When people compliment someone on being a great communicator, they often mean that the person is a good listener. Although most of us will have had at least one, if not several courses on reading, writing and speaking during our years of formal education, have you ever taken a listening course? We spend more time listening than in any other communication activity. In fact, given how much time we spend listening, it's neglect is surprising.

A major problem with listening occurs when we approach an interaction with different goals. I may be listening to gather information and solve a problem while my partner wants me to listen so that I empathize with his or her feelings. If I'm focused on generating solutions when my partner is looking for support, I'll be perceived to be *not listening* or unsympathetic to my partner's point of view.

Sometimes, what you see as a simple yes or no question designed to elicit information will be interpreted as a criticism of the other person. Don't become frustrated when your question is met with more information than you expected. It's probably designed to establish a context for the answer and explain the behavior that your partner thought you criticized.

To improve your listening skills, you'll need to develop genuine interest in your partner. Demonstrate your interest by seizing opportunities to ask questions. Search for common ground and be open to the possibility that you'll learn something new. There is a wise old saying that we were born with two ears but only one mouth so we could listen twice as much as we talk.

3. Realize that communication is more than just the words we use.
We take communication for granted because we do it so frequently, but it's actually a complex process. While we are all wired with the same hardware (brain), the software (interpretive framework) varies tremendously among individuals. This means that given the same input (behaviors or words), we will reach different conclusions based on how we process that data. There are three aspects involved:
1) What you mean to say,
2) How you code this thought into language that gets verbalized and
3) How people interpret what you say. Consequently, there is often a tremendous difference between what you say and what someone hears.

Meant: *I know this is a big project, so I should chip in and pull my weight.*
Said: *I'd like to offer my help on the project.*
Heard: *You're not doing this right, so I'd better become involved.*

Meant: *I'm very busy with all the projects I've been assigned.*
Said: *I'll get to your task as soon as I can.*
Heard: *Your task isn't as important to me as the other things I'm doing.*

Be sensitive to the non-verbal clues of your partner and explain statements that seem puzzling or critical.

4. Learn to manage conflict rather than avoid it.
We often think of conflict as something to be avoided at all costs. However, conflict is a natural part of human interaction. Sometimes, in an effort to avoid conflict, important information isn't communicated. Avoidance is only one strategy among many. When an issue is very important to someone else, but of little consequence to you, consider accommodating the person.

Managed properly, conflict can actually be beneficial. For example, conflict provides a method to weed out faulty assumptions and premises. Make a clear distinction between a conflict with a person and that person's ideas. Show respect for the person even when you disagree with the ideas. Learn to manage conflict with the appropriate strategy rather than simply to avoid it.

5. Be known for positive rather than negative interactions.
This doesn't mean you have to be an optimist on steroids. An over-the-top optimist never recognizes a problem exists. A pessimist never realizes a solution exists. When you consistently maintain a positive frame of mind, you'll become known as a problem-solver rather than a complainer. People avoid complainers. They seek out problem-solvers.

A great way to demonstrate a positive outlook is in your language. When someone thanks you, do you ever respond with the phrase *No problem* or *Not a problem* ? If so, you are marking the interaction by two negative words. Turn those negatives into positives by responding *I'm glad to help* or *It was my pleasure.*

Developing excellent interpersonal skills requires recognition of differences, listening, an awareness of the different aspects of communication, strategies for managing conflict and an optimistic outlook. People who choose to improve their interpersonal skills can do so. Remember, an individual's interpersonal style is not just *who he or she is.* It is who he or she chooses to be.

About the Author: Dr. Joseph Sommerville helps professionals create more persuasive messages. He is the President of Peak Communication Performance (http://www.peakcp.com), a Houston-based firm working worldwide to help professionals develop skills in strategic communication. Contact him at Sommerville@Peakcp.Com