201 Funny Quotes
Let this collection of funny quotes
bring a smile to your face - you can find laughter and
wisdom in these inspirational quotes. You may find some of them
to be motivational because they challenge you thinking in a humorous way
but also in a motivating way. Find that favorite funny quote and let it be
your quote of the day to inspire and motivate you or read our
Funny Quote of The Day.
The distinguishing mark of man is the hand, the instrument
with which he does all his mischief.
Quote of the Day
You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.
Words of Encouragement
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Who learns and learns,
Nor acts on what he knows,
Is one who ploughs and ploughs,
But never takes the time to sow.
Spring is the time of year when it is summer in the sun and
winter in the shade.
Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know
where to go shopping.
The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does.
Lower your expectations of earth. This isn't heaven, so don't expect it to be.
Motivational Quotes about Life
Watch something funny. Laughter is great medicine,
especially for what worries you.
Michelle Stewart, De-Stress Your Life
Procrastination is an art form that is less desirable than painting a detailed landscape using a three inch wide brush.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!
Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean
with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you.
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
Funny Graduation Quotes
No one has ever become poor by giving.
There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.
A business like an automobile, has to be driven, in order to get results.
You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water.
Without a plan of action to put how a dream is envisioned to play out
is like pouring out of picture of
water on the ground and expecting it to stay in on the surface of the ground.
Catherine Pulsifer, Living The Dream
Negative people aren~ez_rsquo~t concentrating their bad energy to be shared with only you. ... Mosquitos aren~ez_rsquo~t going to bite just you; they are going to go after the easiest available blood.
Barb Bailey, How to Detach from Negative People
Negative People Quotes
I am not funny. My writers were funny. My direction was funny.
The situations were funny. But I am not funny. I am not funny.
What I am is brave.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until
we are in hot water!
It's funny how we don't like to hear correction as children,
but later on when we begin to experience our own lives;
we will understand the purpose of the training and correction.
Diane Winbush, Reflections of A Father
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country
are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then,
is an empty desk a sign?
Top Ten Quotes
Never rest on your laurels. Nothing wilts faster than a laurel sat upon.
How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than
sixty years gotten enough to eat and escaped being eaten?
Logan Pearsall Smith
I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend,
than be one.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Motivational Quotes for Work
Visualize something totally funny or crazy! This will instantly
change how you feel because you can't visualize two things at the same time.
Mark Snyder, Developing Good Habits
The truth can be funny but it's not funny to cover up the truth.
Ryan Cooper, Difficult People
Cause your facial expression to change - smile.
Heaven grant us patience with a man in love.
To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup;
whenever you're wrong, admit it, whenever you're right, shut up.
From his neck down a man is worth a couple of dollars a day,
from his neck up he is worth anything that his brain can produce.
If your capacity to acquire has outstripped your capacity to enjoy,
you are on the way to the scrap-heap.
Funny Quotes about Life
What happens at Grandma's . . . stays at Grandma's.
Interest without activity is similar to having a vehicle that is out of gas - it
won't take you anyplace.
Eimantas Gabalis, How To Get Smarter
The Waste You Regret
Our minds are like monkeys, swinging from one thought to another
like monkeys on a tree. As a result, we always feel as if a sense of order,
balance, awareness and concentration elude us, because we are always
doing, always acting.
Debeena Harris, Mindfulness: Mindfulness For Beginners
Positive Thinking Quotes
See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume.
There is only one that fits you perfectly.
George Harris, Don't Wait For Your Life To Start
Turning our abilities from stagnate puddles to rushing rivers can
happen when we apply ourselves to the task.
Warren Philip Gates, Success and the Powerful Introvert
Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped
clock is right twice a day.
Motivational Quotes About Life
Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions; they pass no criticisms.
George Eliot Quotes
People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do."
Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone
who is not obsessed with being right?
Wayne Dyer Quotes
A false friend and a shadow attend only while the sun shines.
Benjamin Franklin Quotes
Three groups spend other people's money: children, thieves, politicians.
All three need supervision.
You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your
arms to full to embrace the present.
Imagine what we would achieve if we had the spiders' determination?
Elles Lohuis, The Little Guide to Setting Intentions
Commitments don't have to be chains.
They can be rich with meaning. They can be the wings on which
our spirits soar.
Marilyn Mason, Ph. D., Seven Mountains, Life Lessons from a Climber's Journal
Live like you golf. Don't forget to follow through.
A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.
Henry Ford Quotes
Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly,
but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.
Mary Kay Quotes
Money is like manure, of very little use except it be spread.
Francis Bacon Quotes
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Some people seem to go through life standing at the complaint counter.
Fred Propp Jr
Don't let anyone become a vacuum and suck the
happiness out of you - pull the plug.
At times I was arrogant and other times I had the lowest self-esteem
ever. It is a funny thing to have to remind yourself pride comes
before the fall and then other times have to remind yourself
you are God's masterpiece.
Mandy Fender, Beautifully Broken: Giving God the Broken Pieces
When you choose relationships, look for people with a sense of humor.
If you are around others who are funny and lighthearted,
you are more likely to find yourself relaxed and enjoying a good laugh.
Ace McCloud, Forgiveness: The Healing Power Of Forgiveness
A funny thing happens when we start keeping promises to
ourselves - we become unstoppable.
Ken Fite, The Dash: Lessons in Life, Faith, and Purpose
One fails forward toward success."
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
Franklin Roosevelt Quotes
I don't want to be a genius - I have enough problems just trying to be a man.
The first man gets the oyster, the second man gets the shell.
Andrew Carnegie Quotes
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why
the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Laurence J. Peter
Instead of buying new cards each year, reuse old Christmas cards
that you have been given. Get creative and funny, cross out the old
sections of handwriting and add your own.
Henry Owen, How to Have a Green Christmas
Remember that sometimes people laugh when something is actually
funny, but often they laugh when they lack the imagination to understand
John Barrett, SoS-Life Enhancement
One of the most successful ways companies get the consumer's attention
is by presenting the product in a funny or emotional way.
Arlene Battishill, Retail Shock Therapy
Humor oils the wheels of life and helps to keep it running smoothly.
Dorothea Kopplin, Something to Live By
Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the
most useless: peacocks and lilies for instance.
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists?
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created
in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.
It's important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.
"Life is too important to bee taken so seriously."
To Bee or Not to Bee
I am not an advocate of pity parties. They allow you to wallow in misery
and drag yourself even further into the depths of woe. But sometimes having
a good cry is like changing the oil in your car.
You got 3000 miles out of that batch, now you have 3000 miles
to go before another.
Sandra Bullock Smith, Trading Places
You can practice shooting 8 hours a day, but if your technique is wrong,
then all you become is very good at shooting the wrong way.
They say that parenting is like dancing. You take one step,
your child takes another.
If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.
Our wrinkles are our medals of the passage of life. They are what we have
been through and who we want to be.
Happy Birthday Sister In Law
Years ago there was belief that the world was flat. People were born into that belief and they took it on faith that if they went too far from the shoreline in a boat they would fall off the earth. Columbus sailed on.
I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths!
Edgar Allan Poe
Happen to things, don't let things happen to you.