165 Funny Quotes

Let this collection of funny quotes bring a smile to your face - you can find laughter, humor, and wisdom in these. You may find some of them to be motivational because they challenge you thinking in a humorous way but also in a motivating way. Find that favorite funny quote and let it be your quote of the day to inspire and motivate you.


    You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys. Joel Osteen

  1. You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys. Joel Osteen
    Words of Encouragement



  2. For a politician to complain about the press is like a ship's captain complaining about the sea. Enoch Powell



  3. Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours. Frank Moore Colby
    Anger



  4. If you reach for a star, you might not get one. But you won't come up with a hand full of mud either. Leo Burnett

  5. If you reach for a star, you might not get one. But you won't come up with a hand full of mud either. Leo Burnett
    Inspirational Quotes




  6. "People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily." Zig Ziglar
    Motivational Quotes



  7. See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume. There is only one that fits you perfectly. George Harris
    Be Yourself



  8. People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages. Benjamin Franklin

  9. People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages. Benjamin Franklin
    Depression Quotes




  10. When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Franklin Roosevelt
    Winning



  11. I should be a postage stamp. That's the only way I'll ever get licked! Muhammad Ali
    Funny Good Morning Quotes



  12. If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself. Irish Proverb

  13. If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself. Irish Proverbs




  14. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. Groucho Marx
    Fate



  15. "A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks." Charles Gordy
    Short Quotes



  16. A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.  Irish Saying

  17. "A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book." Irish Quote
    Quote of the Day




  18. I don't think God put you on this earth just to make millions of dollars and ignore everything else. Chris Amundsen



  19. To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup; whenever you're wrong, admit it, whenever you're right, shut up. Ogden Nash
    Marriage



  20. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.
 Walt Disney

  21. "You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you." Walt Disney
    Funny Sayings




  22. Give me a stock clerk with a goal, and I will give you someone who will make history. Give me someone without a goal, and I will give you a stock clerk J.C. Penny
    Goals



  23. If your capacity to acquire has outstripped your capacity to enjoy, you are on the way to the scrap-heap. Glen Buck
    Funny Quotes about Life



  24. The mind is like a clock that is constantly running down. It has to be wound up daily with good thoughts. Fulton J. Sheen

  25. "The mind is like a clock that is constantly running down. It has to be wound up daily with good thoughts." Fulton J. Sheen
    Daily Inspiration




  26. Interest without activity is similar to having a vehicle that is out of gas - it won't take you anyplace. Eimantas Gabalis, How To Get Smarter
    Best Quotes



  27. Without the will or desire to achieve one is like flotsam on the oceans of time. Steven Redhead
    Willpower



  28. You can't shine like a diamond, if you not willing to get cut like a diamond! Eric Thomas

  29. You can't shine like a diamond, if you not willing to get cut like a diamond! Eric Thomas




  30. Being a grandmother requires a lot of heavy lifting. From the day that little bitty baby is born, you will be doing a lot of lifting and carrying; and that little bundle only gets heavier as he gets older. Valli Weiss, Are You Fit Enough to be a Grandmother?
    Grandmother



  31. Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's needs, but not every man's greed. Gandhi
    Cool Quotes



  32. The truth hurts, and so would you if you were stretched as much.

  33. The truth hurts, and so would you if you were stretched as much. Author Unknown
    Truth




  34. Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time. Margaret Bonnano



  35. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. Bill Gates
    Funny Work Quotes



  36. If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how 
amazing you can be. Maya Angelou

  37. If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be. Maya Angelou
    Amazing




  38. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. Bob Hope



  39. The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does. Proverb
    Funny Proverbs



  40. Sports are the reason I am out of shape.  I watch them all on TV.  Thomas Sowell

  41. Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV. Thomas Sowell
    Sports



  42. Three groups spend other people's money: children, thieves, politicians. All three need supervision. Dick Armey
    Wealth



  43. A sister smiles when one tells one's stories - for she knows where the decoration has been added. Chris Montaigne
    Funny Sister Quotes



  44. It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them. Rose MacAulay

  45. It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them. Rose MacAulay
    Cute Quotes



  46. Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Paulo Coelho
    Motivational Quotes About Life



  47. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen
    Laughter



  48. I don't want to be a genius - I have enough problems just trying to be a man. Albert Camus
    Problem



  49. Thanksgiving - when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didnít have to cook. Melanie White
    Thanksgiving



  50. The reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at
 how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have come.  Nicky Gumbel

  51. The reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have come. Nicky Gumbel
    Giving Up



  52. You can practice shooting 8 hours a day, but if your technique is wrong, then all you become is very good at shooting the wrong way. Michael Jordan
    Practice



  53. Quality is more than important than quantity. One home run is much better than two doubles. Steve Jobs
    Quality



  54. New Year's resolutions work like this: you think of something you enjoy 
doing and then resolve to stop doing it.  Charlie Brooker

  55. New Year's resolutions work like this: you think of something you enjoy doing and then resolve to stop doing it. Charlie Brooker
    New Year



  56. They say that parenting is like dancing. You take one step, your child takes another. Michael Jackson
    Dance



  57. " . . . I ask people if an elephant has ever bitten them. Most of the time people say no. But everyone has been bitten by a mosquito. It's the little things that get us." David DeNotaris



  58. Spring is the time of year when it is summer in the sun and 
winter in the shade. Charles Dickens

  59. Spring is the time of year when it is summer in the sun and winter in the shade. Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
    Sunshine



  60. "Some people die at twenty-five and aren't buried until they are seventy-five." Benjamin Franklin
    Life and Death



  61. Procrastination is an art form that is less desirable than painting a detailed landscape using a three inch wide brush. Byron Pulsifer
    Procrastination



  62. Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I'm possible!  Audrey Hepburn
  63. Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'! Audrey Hepburn
    Possibilities



  64. Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. Will Rogers



  65. An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. Winston S. Churchill



  66. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Phyllis Diller
  67. "A smile is a curve that sets everything straight." Phyllis Diller



  68. Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you. Jim Rohn



  69. Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway. Mary Kay
    Cute Life Quotes



  70. My father taught me a good lesson: Don't get to low when things go wrong. And don't get too high when things are good. Robert Perish
    Quotes on Life Lessons



  71. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Mark Twain
  72. "Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been." Mark Twain
    Smile



  73. I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody. George Burns (at 100 years)
    Respect



  74. Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water! Eleanor Roosevelt
    Overcoming



  75. "If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito." Bette Reese
    Funny Graduation Quotes



  76. No one has ever become poor by giving. Anne Frank
  77. No one has ever become poor by giving. Anne Frank
    Giving



  78. A business like an automobile, has to be driven, in order to get results. BC Forbes
    Determination



  79. "The best lightning rod for your protection is your own spine." Ralph Waldo Emerson
    Take Action



  80. You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. Rabindranath Tagore
    Action



  81. Talkers are usually more articulate than doers, since talk is their specialty. Thomas Sowell
  82. Talkers are usually more articulate than doers, since talk is their specialty. Thomas Sowell
    Actions Speak Louder Than Words Quotes



  83. Without a plan of action to put how a dream is envisioned to play out is like pouring out of picture of water on the ground and expecting it to stay in on the surface of the ground. Catherine Pulsifer, Living The Dream
    Dream



  84. Do not hold to what you have. It is like a ferry boat for people who want to get across waters. Once you have got across, never bear it on your back. You should head forward. Bruce Lee
    Moving Forward



  85. Negative people arenít concentrating their bad energy to be shared with only you. ... Mosquitos arenít going to bite just you; they are going to go after the easiest available blood. Barb Bailey, How to Detach from Negative People
    Negative People



  86. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else. Ann Landers
  87. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else. Ann Landers



  88. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights. Maya Angelou
    Funny Christmas Quotes



  89. I am not funny. My writers were funny. My direction was funny. The situations were funny. But I am not funny. I am not funny. What I am is brave. Lucille Ball
    Courage



  90. "Life is the movie you see through your own eyes. It makes little difference what's happening out there. It's how you take it that counts." Denis Waitley



  91. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Maya Angelou
  92. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Maya Angelou
    Attitude



  93. The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it. Doris Day
    Funny Birthday Quotes



  94. Yoga is the fountain of youth. You're only as young as your spine is flexible. Bob Harper
    Yoga



  95. It's funny how we don't like to hear correction as children, but later on when we begin to experience our own lives; we will understand the purpose of the training and correction. Diane Winbush, Reflections of A Father
    Children



  96. They are ill discoverers that think there is no land when they see nothing but sea.  Francis Bacon
  97. "They are ill discoverers that think there is no land when they see nothing but sea." Francis Bacon



  98. Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. George Burns
    Wise



  99. I had so many freckles that my mother used to say that they were kisses from the angels. Lara Flynn Boyle
    Angel



  100. If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? Albert Einstein
    Top Ten Quotes



  101. Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. Richard Bach
  102. "Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't." Richard Bach
    Famous Quotes



  103. It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen. Brigitte Bardot



  104. "A laugh is a smile that bursts." Mary H. Waldrip
    Short Positive Quotes



  105. We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. George Bernard Shaw



  106. You need to be comfortable with you. Stop worrying about the couple in the corner who may or may not be looking at you funny. Willow Cross, Getting Over It
    Comfort Zone



  107. Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. C.E.M. Joad
  108. Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. C.E.M. Joad


  1. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. George Carlin



  2. A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright. Lucille Ball



  3. How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years gotten enough to eat and escaped being eaten? Logan Pearsall Smith
    Age



  4. Cause your facial expression to change - smile. Catherine Pulsifer

  5. Cause your facial expression to change - smile. Catherine Pulsifer
    Change



  6. From his neck down a man is worth a couple of dollars a day, from his neck up he is worth anything that his brain can produce. Thomas Edison
    Genius



  7. He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything - that clearly points to a political career. George Bernard Shaw
    Knowledge



  8. Make Me Feel Important!
  9. Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from his neck saying, Make Me Feel Important! Never forget this when working with people. Mary Kay Ash
    Work



  10. Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right? Wayne Dyer
    Encouraging



  11. Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Bill Vaughan
    Money



  12. The truth can be funny but it's not funny to cover up the truth. Ryan Cooper, Difficult People
  13. The truth can be funny but it's not funny to cover up the truth. Ryan Cooper, Difficult People
    Honesty



  14. "When the pregnancy test stick turns blue, the light to fatherhood goes green." John Pfeiffer, Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad!
    Dad



  15. Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow. Reed Markham
    Father



  16. Middle age is when you can still do everything you used to do - but you decide you'll do it tomorrow. Dr. Tom Haggai
    Birthday



  17. Can I give you a handful of laughter, a smidgen of giggles to boot, a cupful of tease and a comical sneeze, followed by a hilarious hoot. John McLeod, A Handful of Laughter
    Funny Poems



  18. Turning our abilities from stagnate puddles to rushing rivers can happen when we apply ourselves to the task. Warren Philip Gates, Success and the Powerful Introvert
    Positive



  19. Our minds are like monkeys, swinging from one thought to another like monkeys on a tree. As a result, we always feel as if a sense of order, balance, awareness and concentration elude us, because we are always doing, always acting. Debeena Harris, Mindfulness: Mindfulness For Beginners
    Positive Thinking



  20. We humans are a silly bunch. We spend half our time trying to fit in with the crowd and the other half trying to stand out from it. Nick Vujicic



  21. Today's opportunities erase yesterday's failures. Gene Brown
  22. Today's opportunities erase yesterday's failures. Gene Brown
    Failure



  23. One fails forward toward success." Charles Kettering



  24. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. Laurence J. Peter
    Future



  25. You cannot be anything if you want to be everything. Solomon Schechter
    Focus



  26. Remember that sometimes people laugh when something is actually funny, but often they laugh when they lack the imagination to understand the situation. John Barrett, SoS-Life Enhancement
    Imagination



  27. "Chasing success is like trying to squeeze a handful of water. The tighter you squeeze, the less water you get. When you chase it, your life becomes the chase, and you become a victim of always wanting more." Wayne W. Dyer, Everyday Wisdom For Success



  28. One of the most successful ways companies get the consumer's attention is by presenting the product in a funny or emotional way. Arlene Battishill, Retail Shock Therapy
    Success



  29. Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use. Charles M. Schulz



  30. Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed. William James
    Habit



  31. Folks die to easy - they sort of fade away;
    Make a little error, and give up in dismay.
    Mabel E. Bailey, Keep Your Grit
    Poems about Perseverance



  32. Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless: peacocks and lilies for instance. John Ruskin
    Beautiful



  33. Keep your sense of humor. As General Joe Stillwell said, 'The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind'. Donald Rumsfeld



  34. Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? RAJ Phillips
    Humor



  35. Fire and swords are slow engines of destruction, compared to the tongue of a gossip. Richard Steele
  36. Fire and swords are slow engines of destruction, compared to the tongue of a gossip. Richard Steele
    Gossip



  37. People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election. Otto von Bismarck
    War



  38. If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room. Confucius
    Smart



  39. Our wrinkles are our medals of the passage of life. They are what we have been through and who we want to be. Lauren Hutton
    Happy Birthday Sister In Law



  40. I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. Gandhi
  41. I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. Gandhi
    Mindset



  42. Years ago there was belief that the world was flat. People were born into that belief and they took it on faith that if they went too far from the shoreline in a boat they would fall off the earth. Columbus sailed on. Les Brown
    Believe



  43. I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend. Byron Pulsifer
    Monday



  44. To be taught to read -what is the use of that, if you know not whether what you read is false or true? John Ruskin
    Truth



  45. To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! Edgar Allan Poe
    Death



  46. Happen to things, don't let things happen to you. Stephen Covey
  47. Happen to things, don't let things happen to you. Stephen Covey
    Opportunity



  48. Soup is a lot like a family. Each ingredient enhances the others; each batch has its own characteristics; and it needs time to simmer to reach full flavor. Marge Kennedy
    Family Bonding



  49. Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things. Bernard Sahlins



  50. As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett



  51. Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space. Evan Esar
    Family



  52. Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours. Doug Larsen



  53. Lower your expectations of earth. This isn't heaven, so don't expect it to be. Max Lucado
    Motivational Quotes about Life



  54. Money is like manure, of very little use except it be spread. 
Francis Bacon
  55. Money is like manure, of very little use except it be spread.
    Francis Bacon
    Random



  56. Growing up, I have discovered over time, is rather like housework: never finished. Lois McMaster Bujold
    Growth



  57. In every dream journey there comes a moment when you have to quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Mark Batterson, Chase the Lion
    Journey



  58. You want to be a millionaire. But your values system says you believe in sleep more than grinding! Eric Thomas
    Actions Speak Louder Than Words



  59. Eventually you go from judging your parents to being judged as a parent yourself. Tom Papa, Your Dad Stole My Rake
    Judgemental



  60. You can't experience simple joys when you're living life with your hair on fire. Emily Ley
    Joy



  61. Build on what makes you different from your competition. . . You need to be the red tree in the forest. Nick Maley, The Do or Do Not Outlook
    Graduation



  62. The moment will come when you are talking to your child and you hear your mother's or father's voice coming from your own lips with almost the same tone and maybe even the same words. Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care



  63. Parents often comment that their child may be content to play alone, but as soon as a spouse comes home, suddenly their child loses all capacity for independent play and cannot tolerate that the two parents talk to each other. Anthony Wolf, "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!"
    Parents



  64. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin
  65. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin
    Tolerance



  66. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. Will Ferrell
    Marriage



  67. To Retirement! It's nice to get out of the rat race, But you have to learn to get along with less cheese. Gene Perret
    Retirement



  68. I am not an advocate of pity parties. They allow you to wallow in misery and drag yourself even further into the depths of woe. But sometimes having a good cry is like changing the oil in your car. You got 3000 miles out of that batch, now you have 3000 miles to go before another. Sandra Bullock Smith, Trading Places
    Positive Attitude



  69. "You only need listen to yourselves. It reminds me of an old proverb: 'If and When were planted, and Nothing grew'." Catherine Pulsifer, If and When Were Planted



  70. Life is a hurdle race, the winner has to cross all the hurdles and still maintain enthusiasm. M.K. Soni



  71. Enthusiasm is the leaping lightning, not to be measured by the horse-power of the understanding. Ralph Waldo Emerson
    Enthusiasm


  1. Visualize something totally funny or crazy! This will instantly change how you feel because you can't visualize two things at the same time. Mark Snyder, Developing Good Habits
    Vision



  2. "It is difficult, but not impossible, to conduct strictly honest business." Mahatma Gandhi



  3. Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers



  4. It's always too early to quit. Norman Vincent Peale
  5. It's always too early to quit. Norman Vincent Peale Never Quit



  6. You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms to full to embrace the present. Jan Glidewell
    Forgiveness



  7. A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. Marty Allen



  8. The shortest recorded period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival of rain. Jane Bryant Quinn



  9. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
    Church



  10. Why hoard your troubles? They have no market value, so just throw them away. Ann Schade
  11. Why hoard your troubles? They have no market value, so just throw them away. Ann Schade
    Trouble



  12. The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score. Bill Copeland
    Life Goals Quotes



  13. When you first lay eyes on your baby, or when you hold him or her for the first time, your heart will probably do one of those Lebron James-type slam dunk moves where it gets airborne for a moment. Scott Chaney, Congratulations! You're a dad
    Baby



  14. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings. Dave Barry
    Achievement



  15. A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it. Henry Ford
    Clever



  16. Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe. Abraham Lincoln
    Preparation



  17. The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them." Abraham Lincoln
    God



  18. Don't complain about the snow on your neighbour's roof when your own doorstep is unclean. Confucius
  19. "Don't complain about the snow on your neighbour's roof when your own doorstep is unclean." Confucius
    Complaining



  20. "I don't want problems solved for me. I want the fishing rod, not the fish." Yanni



  21. A funny thing happens when we start keeping promises to ourselves - we become unstoppable. Ken Fite, The Dash
    Purpose



  22. Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. William James
    Common Sense


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Updated: May 8, 2019