246 Funny Quotes

Let this collection of funny quotes bring a smile to your face - you can find laughter, humor, and wisdom in these. You may find some of them to be motivational because they challenge you thinking in a humorous way but also in a motivating way. Find that favorite funny quote and let it be your quote of the day to inspire and motivate you


  1. The distinguishing mark of man is the hand, the instrument with which he does all his mischief. George Orwell
    Quote of the Day



  2. You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys. Joel Osteen
    Words of Encouragement



  3. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen
    Laughter



  4. Who learns and learns,
    Nor acts on what he knows,
    Is one who ploughs and ploughs,
    But never takes the time to sow.
    Author Unknown
    Funny Poems



  5. Spring is the time of year when it is summer in the sun and winter in the shade. Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
    Inspirational Quotes



  6. Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's needs, but not every man's greed. Gandhi
    Cool



  7. It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them. Rose MacAulay Cute Quotes



  8. A sister smiles when one tells one's stories - for she knows where the decoration has been added. Chris Montaigne
    Funny Sister Quotes



  9. A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. Kin Hubbard
    Thanksgiving



  10. Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. Bo Derek
    Happy



  11. The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does. Proverb
    Funny Proverbs



  12. Watch something funny. Laughter is great medicine, especially for what worries you.  Michelle Stewart
  13. Watch something funny. Laughter is great medicine, especially for what worries you. Michelle Stewart, De-Stress Your Life
    Worry



  14. New Year's resolutions work like this: you think of something you enjoy doing and then resolve to stop doing it. Charlie Brooker
    New Year



  15. Quality is more than important than quantity. One home run is much better than two doubles. Steve Jobs
    Quality



  16. Procrastination is an art form that is less desirable than painting a detailed landscape using a three inch wide brush. Byron Pulsifer
    Procrastination



  17. Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'! Audrey Hepburn
    Motivational



  18. Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you. Jim Rohn
    Smile



  19. When you first lay eyes on your baby, or when you hold him or her for the first time, your heart will probably do one of those Lebron James-type slam dunk moves where it gets airborne for a moment. Scott Chaney, Congratulations! You're a dad
    Baby



  20. "If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito." Bette Reese
    Funny Graduation Quotes



  21. No one has ever become poor by giving. Anne Frank
  22. No one has ever become poor by giving. Anne Frank
    Giving



  23. There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. Roger Staubach
    Short Quotes



  24. A business like an automobile, has to be driven, in order to get results. BC Forbes
    Determination



  25. You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. Rabindranath Tagore
    Action



  26. Without a plan of action to put how a dream is envisioned to play out is like pouring out of picture of water on the ground and expecting it to stay in on the surface of the ground. Catherine Pulsifer, Living The Dream
    Dream



  27. Do not hold to what you have. It is like a ferry boat for people who want to get across waters. Once you have got across, never bear it on your back. You should head forward. Bruce Lee
    Moving Forward



  28. Negative people arenít concentrating their bad energy to be shared with only you. ... Mosquitos arenít going to bite just you; they are going to go after the easiest available blood. Barb Bailey, How to Detach from Negative People
    Negative People



  29. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights. Maya Angelou
    Funny Christmas Quotes



  30. I am not funny. My writers were funny. My direction was funny. The situations were funny. But I am not funny. I am not funny. What I am is brave. Lucille Ball
    Courage



  31. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Maya Angelou
  32. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Maya Angelou
    Attitude



  33. The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that youíll grow out of it. Doris Day
    Funny Birthday Quotes



  34. Yoga is the fountain of youth. You're only as young as your spine is flexible. Bob Harper
    Yoga



  35. Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water! Eleanor Roosevelt
    Overcoming



  36. It's funny how we don't like to hear correction as children, but later on when we begin to experience our own lives; we will understand the purpose of the training and correction. Diane Winbush, Reflections of A Father
    Children



  37. Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. George Burns
    Wise



  38. If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? Albert Einstein
    Top Ten Quotes



  39. Never rest on your laurels. Nothing wilts faster than a laurel sat upon. Mary Kay
    Famous



  40. How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years gotten enough to eat and escaped being eaten? Logan Pearsall Smith
    Age



  41. I had so many freckles that my mother used to say that they were kisses from the angels. Lara Flynn Boyle
    Angel



  42. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. Bill Gates
    Funny Work Quotes for Work



  43. Visualize something totally funny or crazy! This will instantly change how you feel because you can't visualize two things at the same time. Mark Snyder, Developing Good Habits
    Vision



  44. The truth can be funny but it's not funny to cover up the truth. Ryan Cooper, Difficult People
    Honesty



  45. Cause your facial expression to change - smile. Catherine Pulsifer
  46. Cause your facial expression to change - smile. Catherine Pulsifer
    Change



  47. Heaven grant us patience with a man in love. Rudyard Kipling
    Patience



  48. Without the will or desire to achieve one is like flotsam on the oceans of time. Steven Redhead, Life Is Simply A Game Willpower



  49. To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup; whenever you're wrong, admit it, whenever you're right, shut up. Ogden Nash
    Marriage



  50. From his neck down a man is worth a couple of dollars a day, from his neck up he is worth anything that his brain can produce. Thomas Edison
    Genius



  51. If your capacity to acquire has outstripped your capacity to enjoy, you are on the way to the scrap-heap. Glen Buck
    Funny Quotes about Life



  52. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Chili Davis Growing Up



  53. What happens at Grandma's . . . stays at Grandma's.
    Saying
    Grandmother



  54. Interest without activity is similar to having a vehicle that is out of gas - it won't take you anyplace. Eimantas Gabalis, How To Get Smarter
    Best



  55. Our minds are like monkeys, swinging from one thought to another like monkeys on a tree. As a result, we always feel as if a sense of order, balance, awareness and concentration elude us, because we are always doing, always acting. Debeena Harris, Mindfulness: Mindfulness For Beginners
    Positive Thinking



  56. See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume. There is only one that fits you perfectly. George Harris, Don't Wait For Your Life To Start
    Be Yourself



  57. Turning our abilities from stagnate puddles to rushing rivers can happen when we apply ourselves to the task. Warren Philip Gates
  58. Turning our abilities from stagnate puddles to rushing rivers can happen when we apply ourselves to the task. Warren Philip Gates, Success and the Powerful Introvert
    Positive



  59. Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Paulo Coelho
    Motivational Quotes About Life



  60. Enthusiasm is the leaping lightning, not to be measured by the horse-power of the understanding. Ralph Waldo Emerson
    Enthusiasm



  61. People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do." Elbert Hubbard
    Work



  62. Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right? Wayne Dyer
    Encouraging



  63. Three groups spend other people's money: children, thieves, politicians. All three need supervision. Dick Armey
    Wealth



  64. You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms to full to embrace the present. Jan Glidewell
    Forgiveness



  65. Good intentions are not enough. You cannot tape the cracks of a sinking boat. Robin Low, Good Intentions Are Not Enough Volunteer



  66. Imagine what we would achieve if we had the spiders' determination? Elles Lohuis, The Little Guide to Setting Intentions
    Achievement



  67. Commitments don't have to be chains. They can be rich with meaning. They can be the wings on which our spirits soar. Marilyn Mason, Ph. D., Seven Mountains, Life Lessons from a Climber's Journal
    Commitment



  68. Live like you golf. Don't forget to follow through. Author Unknown
  69. Live like you golf. Don't forget to follow through. Author Unknown
    Persistence



  70. People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages. Benjamin Franklin
    Depression



  71. A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it. Henry Ford
    Clever



  72. Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.
    Mary Kay
    Cute Life Quotes



  73. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. Groucho Marx
    Fate



  74. Some people seem to go through life standing at the complaint counter. Fred Propp Jr
    Complaining



  75. Don't let anyone become a vacuum and suck the happiness out of you - pull the plug. Author Unknown
    Happiness



  76. At times I was arrogant and other times I had the lowest self-esteem ever. It is a funny thing to have to remind yourself pride comes before the fall and then other times have to remind yourself you are God's masterpiece. Mandy Fender, Beautifully Broken: Giving God the Broken Pieces
    God



  77. When you choose relationships, look for people with a sense of humor. If you are around others who are funny and lighthearted, you are more likely to find yourself relaxed and enjoying a good laugh. Ace McCloud, Forgiveness: The Healing Power Of Forgiveness
    Relax



  78. A funny thing happens when we start keeping promises to ourselves - we become unstoppable. Ken Fite
  79. A funny thing happens when we start keeping promises to ourselves - we become unstoppable. Ken Fite, The Dash: Lessons in Life, Faith, and Purpose
    Purpose



  80. One fails forward toward success." Charles Kettering
    Failure



  81. When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Franklin Roosevelt
    Winning



  82. I don't want to be a genius - I have enough problems just trying to be a man. Albert Camus
    Problem



  83. The first man gets the oyster, the second man gets the shell.
    Andrew Carnegie
    Encouraging Poems



  84. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. Laurence J. Peter
    Future



  85. Instead of buying new cards each year, reuse old Christmas cards that you have been given. Get creative and funny, cross out the old sections of handwriting and add your own. Henry Owen, How to Have a Green Christmas
    Christmas



  86. Remember that sometimes people laugh when something is actually funny, but often they laugh when they lack the imagination to understand the situation. John Barrett, SoS-Life Enhancement
    Imagination



  87. One of the most successful ways companies get the consumer's attention is by presenting the product in a funny or emotional way. Arlene Battishill, Retail Shock Therapy
    Success



  88. Humor oils the wheels of life and helps to keep it running smoothly. Dorothea Kopplin
  89. Humor oils the wheels of life and helps to keep it running smoothly. Dorothea Kopplin, Something to Live By
    Life



  90. Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless: peacocks and lilies for instance. John Ruskin
    Beauty



  91. Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? RAJ Phillips
    Humor



  92. One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly. Andy Rooney
    Christmas Poems



  93. It's important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle. Author Unknown
    Birthday



  94. "Life is too important to bee taken so seriously." John Penberthy, To Bee or Not to Bee
    Positive Life Quotes



  95. You can practice shooting 8 hours a day, but if your technique is wrong, then all you become is very good at shooting the wrong way. Michael Jordan
    Practice



  96. They say that parenting is like dancing. You take one step, your child takes another. Michael Jackson
    Mother



  97. If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room. Confucius
    Smart



  98. Our wrinkles are our medals of the passage of life. They are what we have been through and who we want to be. Lauren Hutton
    Happy Birthday Sister In Law



  99. Years ago there was belief that the world was flat. People were born into that belief and they took it on faith that if they went too far from the shoreline in a boat they would fall off the earth. Columbus sailed on. Les Brown
    Believe



  100. I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. Gandhi
    Mindset



  101. To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! Edgar Allan Poe
    Death



  102. Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. If you had all the money in the world, you couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure? Author Unknown
    Time


    Happen to things, don't let things happen to you. Stephen Covey
  1. Happen to things, don't let things happen to you. Stephen Covey
    Opportunity



  2. Soup is a lot like a family. Each ingredient enhances the others; each batch has its own characteristics; and it needs time to simmer to reach full flavor. Marge Kennedy
    Family Bonding



  3. To be taught to read -what is the use of that, if you know not whether what you read is false or true? John Ruskin
    Truth



  4. Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space. Evan Esar
    Family



  5. Give me a stock clerk with a goal, and I will give you someone who will make history. Give me someone without a goal, and I will give you a stock clerk J.C. Penny
    Goals



  6. Lower your expectations of earth. This isn't heaven, so don't expect it to be. Max Lucado
    Motivational Quotes about Life



  7. Money is like manure, of very little use except it be spread.
    Francis Bacon
    Random



  8. Growing up, I have discovered over time, is rather like housework: never finished. Lois McMaster Bujold
    Growth



  9. In every dream journey there comes a moment when you have to quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Mark Batterson, Chase the Lion
    Journey



  10. You want to be a millionaire. But your values system says you believe in sleep more than grinding! Eric Thomas
    Actions Speak Louder Than Words



  11. Eventually you go from judging your parents to being judged as a parent yourself. Tom Papa, Your Dad Stole My Rake
    Judgemental



  12. You can't experience simple joys when you're living life with your hair on fire. Emily Ley, A Simplified Life
    Joy



  13. Build on what makes you different from your competition. . . You need to be the red tree in the forest. Nick Maley, The Do or Do Not Outlook
    Graduation



  14. Parents often comment that their child may be content to play alone, but as soon as a spouse comes home, suddenly their child loses all capacity for independent play and cannot tolerate that the two parents talk to each other. Anthony Wolf, "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!"
    Parents



  15. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin
  16. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carlin
    Tolerance



  17. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. Will Ferrell
    Marriage



  18. It is a wise father who throws away his old report cards. Author Unknown
    Father



  19. To Retirement! It's nice to get out of the rat race, But you have to learn to get along with less cheese. Gene Perret
    Retirement



  20. I am not an advocate of pity parties. They allow you to wallow in misery and drag yourself even further into the depths of woe. But sometimes having a good cry is like changing the oil in your car. You got 3000 miles out of that batch, now you have 3000 miles to go before another. Sandra Bullock Smith, Trading Places
    Positive Attitude



  21. Remember, when something leaves your life, God is making room for something much better to enter! Get ready! Paula White
    Life Changing



  22. Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Bill Vaughan
    Money


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