158 Funny Quotes
Bring a smile to your face with these funny quotes
- you will find laughter, humor, and a bit of
wisdom in these. Our collection includes funny inspirational and motivational quotations said
by some famous people and others. We all need humor in life it helps the challenges
that we all sometimes face!
You may find some of them
to be motivational because they challenge you thinking in a humorous way
but also in a motivating way. Share these with other people
to brighten their day and give them a smile!
Short Funny Quotes
You can't shine like a diamond, if you not willing to get cut like a diamond!
Inspirational Quotes for Students
The only time I feel light-hearted is when I'm in a plane at 33,000 feet.
"A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks."
It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them.
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
Frank Moore Colby
There are three ways in life to become popular: be rich, be beautiful, or be funny.
Jon Macks, How to Be Funny
Happiness - Is There A Common Definition
The truth hurts, and so would you if you were stretched as much.
I don't have a funny bone in my body; now I know why my surgeon's bills are so high.
Rory R. Cuphist
Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
"A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book."
Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.
Charles M. Schulz
Photography without seeing would be like eating without tasting.
David McKay, Photography Demystified
If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.
"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."
Quotes That Make You Smile
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously
and the politicians as a joke.
Sad Quotes about Life
A business like an automobile, has to be driven, in order to get results.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
One Line Quotes on Life
I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.
You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water.
Talkers are usually more articulate than doers, since talk is their specialty.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words Quotes
I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
George Burns (at 100 years)
It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.
Happy Birthday Wishes
The truth can be funny but it's not funny to cover up the truth.
Ryan Cooper, Difficult People
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that
you don't need it.
"A laugh is a smile that bursts."
Mary H. Waldrip
Short Positive Quotes
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land when they
see nothing but sea.
"The best lightning rod for your protection is your own spine."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The moon was full and so close that it seemed we could scoop out some moon ice cream and fill ourselves up on moonbeams.
Elif Ekin, Mostly Happy
The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them."
Cause your facial expression to change - smile.
We don't stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing.
George Bernard Shaw
Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things.
Today's opportunities erase yesterday's failures.
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart,
but he's not very bright.
Simple Life Quotes
One fails forward toward success."
Motivational Quotes for Students
If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself.
Middle age is when you can still do everything you used to do - but you decide you'll do it tomorrow.
Dr. Tom Haggai
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to
buy anything is last year.
Quote of The Day
"Some people die at twenty-five and aren't buried until they are seventy-five."
Life and Death
Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
Happy Birthday Quotes For Friend
Funny Inspirational Quotes
The shortest recorded period of time lies between the minute
you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival of rain.
Jane Bryant Quinn
If you reach for a star, you might not get one. But you won't come up with a hand full of mud either.
Keep your sense of humor. As General Joe Stillwell said, 'The higher
a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind'.
Words of Encouragement for Men
For a politician to complain about the press is like a ship's captain
complaining about the sea.
Great Quotes about Life
If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.
See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume. There is only one that fits you perfectly.
I don't think God put you on this earth just to make millions of dollars
and ignore everything else.
You can't experience simple joys when you're living life with your hair on fire.
"The mind is like a clock that is constantly running down. It has to be wound up daily with good thoughts."
Fulton J. Sheen
If your capacity to acquire has outstripped your capacity to enjoy, you are on the way to the scrap-heap.
Funny Quotes about Life
From his neck down a man is worth a couple of dollars a day, from his neck up he is worth anything that his brain can produce.
Fire and swords are slow engines of destruction, compared to the tongue of a gossip.
Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!
My father taught me a good lesson: Don't get to low when things go wrong. And don't get too high when things are good.
New Year's resolutions work like this: you think of something you enjoy doing and then resolve to stop doing it.
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
Funny Graduation Quotes
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from his neck saying, Make Me Feel Important! Never forget this when working with people.
Mary Kay Ash
Yoga is the fountain of youth. You're only as young as your spine is flexible.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
You need to be comfortable with you. Stop worrying about the couple in the corner who may or may not be looking at you funny.
Willow Cross, Getting Over It
Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit.
Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.
How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years gotten enough to eat and escaped being eaten?
Logan Pearsall Smith
"Chasing success is like trying to squeeze a handful of water.
The tighter you squeeze, the less water you get.
When you chase it, your life becomes the chase, and you
become a victim of always wanting more."
Wayne W. Dyer, Everyday Wisdom For Success
Folks die to easy - they sort of fade away;
Make a little error, and give up in dismay.
Mabel E. Bailey, Keep Your Grit
Poems about Perseverance
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.
Otto von Bismarck
In every dream journey there comes a moment when you have to quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death.
Mark Batterson, Chase the Lion
You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms to full to embrace the present.
Famous Funny Quotes
You will recognize the famous people who said these quotes. People who have had success in life, and one of their
secrets to success is humor!
People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily."
You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.
Words of Encouragement
Without enthusiasm, your sales talk is about as dead as last year's turkey.
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
I should be a postage stamp. That's the only way I'll ever get licked!
Funny Good Morning Quotes
"You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."
Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's needs, but not every man's greed.
You want to be a millionaire. But your values system says you believe in sleep more than grinding!
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Spring is the time of year when it is summer in the sun and
winter in the shade.
Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
You can practice shooting 8 hours a day, but if your technique is wrong,
then all you become is very good at shooting the wrong way.
I don't want to be a genius - I have enough problems just trying to be a man.
Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Motivational Quotes About Life
"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Funny Work Quotes
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Funny Christmas Quotes
" . . . I ask people if an elephant has ever bitten them.
Most of the time people say no. But everyone has been bitten by a
mosquito. It's the little things that get us."
Money is like manure, of very little use except it be spread.
Enthusiasm is the leaping lightning, not to be measured by the horse-power of the understanding.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean
with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Winston S. Churchill
Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly,
but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.
Cute Life Quotes
No one has ever become poor by giving.
I am not funny. My writers were funny. My direction was funny.
The situations were funny. But I am not funny. I am not funny.
What I am is brave.
Do not hold to what you have. It is like a ferry boat for people who
want to get across waters. Once you have got across, never bear
it on your back. You should head forward.
"Life is the movie you see through your own eyes. It makes little difference
what's happening out there. It's how you take it that counts."
"Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't."
Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless: peacocks and lilies for instance.
Sixty years ago a gentleman wouldn't go to work without a hat on; ten years ago they stopped wearing ties. Now you don't have to go into work to go to work, so who knows what people are wearing...and who cares?!
Shaa Wasmund, Stop Talking, Start Doing
Work From Home
We humans are a silly bunch. We spend half our time trying to fit
in with the crowd and the other half trying to stand out from it.
Can I give you a handful of laughter, a smidgen of giggles to boot,
a cupful of tease and a comical sneeze, followed by a hilarious hoot.
John McLeod, A Handful of Laughter
"Don't complain about the snow on your neighbour's roof when your own doorstep is unclean."
To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths!
Edgar Allan Poe
He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything - that clearly points to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then,
is an empty desk a sign?
Top Ten Quotes
Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone
who is not obsessed with being right?
Years ago there was belief that the world was flat. People were born into that belief and they took it on faith that if they went too far from the shoreline in a boat they would fall off the earth. Columbus sailed on.
Happen to things, don't let things happen to you.
Life is a hurdle race, the winner has to cross all the hurdles and
still maintain enthusiasm.
Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four
sharpening the axe.
"I don't want problems solved for me. I want the fishing rod, not the fish."
Words of Encouragement for Kids
A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.
It's always too early to quit.
Norman Vincent Peale
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Lower your expectations of earth. This isn't heaven, so don't expect it to be.
Motivational Quotes about Life
Funny Motivational Quotes
Give me a stock clerk with a goal, and I will give you someone who will make history. Give me someone without a goal, and I will give you a stock clerk
Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.
An occasional coffee drinker: I only really like it because it gives me an excuse to eat dessert.
Sebastien; Racineux; Chung-Leng Tran, Coffee Isn't Rocket Science
Interest without activity is similar to having a vehicle that is out of gas - it won't take you anyplace.
Eimantas Gabalis, How To Get Smarter
Without the will or desire to achieve one is like flotsam on the oceans of time.
Why was the turkey allowed to join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks!
Hayden Fox, The Try Not To Laugh Challenge
Humor helps build connections and relationships in ways that few other social interactions can.
Gregory Peart, You Can Be Funny and Make People Laugh
Laughter is subjective. What’s funny is whatever makes you laugh. No questions, no arguments. If it makes you laugh, it’s funny . . . to you.
Steven Kaplan, The Hidden Tools of Comedy
Laughter Is The Best Medicine
The reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at
how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have come.
The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does.
The Romans described the hippopotamus as a fire-breathing river horse that sweated blood.
Lucy Cooke, The Unexpected Truth About Animals
Each child is as different as you and I. Therefore, I believe there isn’t a one-method-fits-all strategy, no matter how appealing that idea might sound (sorry Gina Ford).
Giovanna Fletcher, Happy Mum, Happy Baby
Quality is more than important than quantity. One home run is much better than two doubles.
Why hoard your troubles? They have no market value, so just throw them away.
Procrastination is an art form that is less desirable than painting a detailed landscape using a three inch wide brush.
Without a plan of action to put how a dream is envisioned to play out is like pouring out of picture of water on the ground and expecting it to stay in on the surface of the ground.
Catherine Pulsifer, Living The Dream
Negative people aren’t concentrating their bad energy to be shared with only you. ... Mosquitos aren’t going to bite just you; they are going to go after the easiest available blood.
Barb Bailey, How to Detach from Negative People
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Doing nothing is not as easy as it looks. You have to be careful because the idea of doing anything which could easily lead to doing something that could cut into your nothing and that would force me to have to drop everything.
Motivational Quote for Kids
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're
cramming for their final exam.
Famous Quotes about Life
Turning our abilities from stagnate puddles to rushing rivers can happen when we apply ourselves to the task.
Warren Philip Gates, Success and the Powerful Introvert
Our minds are like monkeys, swinging from one thought to another
like monkeys on a tree. As a result, we always feel as if a sense of order,
balance, awareness and concentration elude us, because we are always doing, always acting.
Debeena Harris, Mindfulness: Mindfulness For Beginners
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Laurence J. Peter
Remember that sometimes people laugh when something is actually funny, but often they laugh when they lack the imagination to understand the situation.
John Barrett, SoS-Life Enhancement
One of the most successful ways companies get the consumer's attention is by presenting the product in a funny or emotional way.
Arlene Battishill, Retail Shock Therapy
Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive
you of interesting detours.
Build on what makes you different from your competition. . . You need to be the red tree in the forest.
Nick Maley, The Do or Do Not Outlook
To Retirement! It's nice to get out of the rat race, But you have to learn to get along with less cheese.
"You only need listen to yourselves. It reminds me of an old proverb: 'If
and When were planted, and Nothing grew'."
Catherine Pulsifer, If and When Were Planted
"It is difficult, but not impossible, to conduct strictly honest business."
Motivational Quotes for Work
The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score.
Visualize something totally funny or crazy! This will instantly change how you feel because you can't visualize two things at the same time.
Mark Snyder, Developing Good Habits
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.
A funny thing happens when we start keeping promises to ourselves - we become unstoppable.
Ken Fite, The Dash
I am not an advocate of pity parties. They allow you to wallow in misery and drag yourself even further into the depths of woe. But sometimes having
a good cry is like changing the oil in your car.
You got 3000 miles out of that batch, now you have 3000 miles
to go before another.
Sandra Bullock Smith, Trading Places
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank
where they have no account.
New Year Resolution
Water's like me. It's lazy. Boy, it always looks for the easiest way to do things.
Funny Retirement Quotes
To be taught to read -what is the use of that, if you know not whether what you read is false or true?
We hope you have enjoyed our collection of funny quotations and that they have
brought a smile to your face. Share them with other people who could use a smile
and a bit of encouragement this day! There is a famous quote said by e. e. cummings,
"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."
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